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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Pedestals Are For Statues, Not People!” Welcome to the new FREE coupleconnect newsletter for those who want to enhance and enrich their relationships. The author, Debra Munn, is a writer on relationship issues and the creator of coupleconnect, a deck of 55 cards with questions to inspire better, more meaningful communication between partners. In 1995, Debra, a native Texan, moved to the UK following the end of her 16-year marriage. In 1996 she met her partner, Mick Henry, and in 1999 they were married. The newsletter is intended to offer tips, support, encouragement, and things to think about as couples experience what can be life’s most rewarding adventure—their relationship with each other! Please contact Debra with your comments, questions, or suggestions at Debra@coupleconnect.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PLEASE LET ME HEAR FROM YOU! The aim of this newsletter is to help all of us have happier, more loving relationships. In addition to using my own articles, I will include pieces from guest columnists from time to time, and I also want to hear from YOU, the readers, so we can all get to know each other better. Is there a special subject you’d like to discuss? A special point of view you’d like to express? What about a pet peeve or concern you’d like to air on the subject of relationships? Please share it with all of us at Debra@coupleconnect.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ If you enjoy this coupleconnect newsletter, I would be delighted for you to copy and send it on to all your friends, family members, and colleagues who are interested in enhancing their relationships—that’s the way we grow and expand. Just make sure to make no changes, additions, or deletions, including the contact information. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ PEDESTALS ARE FOR STATUES, NOT PEOPLE!
Not long ago a man proudly told me that he puts his wife on a pedestal, that he idealizes her and considers her to be far superior to most other mere mortals. Knowing as he does my interest in how couples relate to one another, perhaps he expected me to applaud him for holding his wife in such high regard. And to think what a lucky woman she was to have such an appreciative partner! What I really thought, however, was how little trouble this man must have gone to over the years to actually get to know his wife. I wondered whether he had ever seen her for the flesh and blood person she truly was, or just his own idealized version of what he felt a woman should be? And far from thinking how lucky she was, I began to pity her, empathizing with how distant and alone she must feel, way up high on that pedestal all by herself. Pedestals, after all, may be fine for still, cold marble statues, but they don’t offer much freedom to dance for warm, red-blooded human beings! I’m sure the man thought he was doing his wife some kind of favor, but the irony is that putting your partner (or anyone you love) on a pedestal can be just as damaging as constantly criticizing them. When you elevate someone to icon status and hold them to impossibly high standards, you’re actually devaluing—not honoring—the person inside. You’re denying that person’s very human right to be whole—to have not only virtues but faults, to make mistakes, to hold incorrect beliefs, and to have all those dark, sad, confused places within that we all do. And since much of our growth as human beings comes precisely from these troublesome aspects of ourselves, you’re denying your partner’s right to grow as well. Putting someone on a pedestal means that you’re worshipping a fantasy figure of your own making instead of understanding and appreciating the actual person in front of you. Rather than encouraging and empowering your partner to be all that they’re capable of being, even though that inevitably includes a few warts, you’re trying to force them to conform to the superficial and controlling image of what you want them to be. Not only is such an attitude immature, but it also hurts both of you as well as the relationship itself. Living under the psychological burden of someone else’s unrealistic expectations, partners on pedestals get the message that to be loved, they have to be perfect. They can never really relax and just be themselves, as they live in terror that their human flaws will be “found out,” that someday they’ll really screw up and pay for their mistakes by losing love. And naturally, partners on pedestals can’t risk confiding any faults or weaknesses to those who hold such unrealistic expectations of them, so they’re often forced to suffer alone. Besides the agony that this causes to the partner on the pedestal, any real intimacy or sharing that the relationship might have enjoyed becomes impossible. Partners on pedestals may keep on denying crucial parts of themselves just to maintain the status quo, or they may eventually rebel from the confining strictures placed upon them and come crashing down from that pedestal, “misbehaving” just to claim back the parts of self that have been too long denied. I’m not suggesting that partners shouldn’t admire, respect, honor, and even adore each other. A relationship like that is what we all really want, after all. But to be happy and successful, relationships must be based not upon unrealistic ideals, but upon the utual ability for partners to see and appreciate each other as the authentic, lovable, fully HUMAN beings that they are. And wouldn’t you rather cuddle up to one of those than a cold marble statue, anyway?
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Debra Munn |
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Copyright 2005 coupleconnect
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