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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Re-Visioning Your Relationship“ Welcome to the new FREE coupleconnect newsletter for those who want to enhance and enrich their relationships. The author, Debra Munn, is a writer on relationship issues and the creator of coupleconnect, a deck of 55 cards with questions to inspire better, more meaningful communication between partners. In 1995, Debra, a native Texan, moved to the UK following the end of her 16-year marriage. In 1996 she met her partner, Mick Henry, and in 1999 they were married. The newsletter is intended to offer support, encouragement and things to think about as couples experience what can be life’s most rewarding adventure—their relationship with each other! Please contact Debra with your comments, questions, or suggestions at Debra@coupleconnect.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ RE-VISIONING YOUR RELATIONSHIP You are welcome and encouraged to copy or distribute the coupleconnect newsletter to friends and colleagues, as long as you make no changes, additions, or deletions, including the contact information. First, the bad news: we’ve been lied to by decades of sentimental movies and syrupy pop songs. There’s no such thing as a perfect relationship—not on this planet, anyway. No matter how much you love your partner, what true “soulmates” you are, or how hard you strive to maintain harmony, there will be times when you feel hurt, angry, or frustrated with each other. All couples experience these difficulties, with their resulting frayed emotions, because all couples are made up of two flawed, quirky human beings. But if the bad news is that perfect relationships (like perfect people) don’t exist, the good news is that happy, healthy, loving relationships do. And precisely because relationships between imperfect human partners force them to learn valuable life lessons, they have almost unlimited potential to inspire personal and spiritual growth, and to bring greater joy, fulfillment, and enrichment than anything else. On some instinctive, emotional level, we recognize that intimate relationships have this potential. Something inside tells us that the connection we have with our partner has a unique power to heal, inspire, and transform us into the person we were meant to be. From the very beginning of the relationship, that magical-seeming process of “falling in love” puts us in touch with this awakening part of ourselves, just as it reveals to us the unfolding potential of our beloved. Notice how I’m speaking about how loving someone else makes us feel good about ourselves? And about how being in a loving relationship makes us better people? Hold on just a minute here,” you might be saying. “I’m not concerned right now about becoming a better person myself! I just need to figure out ways to make my partner better. After all, my partner’s the problem—not me! If my partner would only pay more attention to me/stop drinking/stop nagging/share the housework [choose one of these or insert your own complaint], we’d be just fine!” Sound familiar? We all have a tendency to believe that our relationships would improve if only our partners would do this or that, or would stop doing this or that. You may have very valid reasons for wanting your partner to change, but in order to effect real improvement in your relationship, as in any other part of your life, you must start not with someone else but with yourself. Begin by re-visioning the kind of relationship you would like to have, and then work to develop yourself so that you naturally attract it into your life. If this sounds like New Age mumbo jumbo, keep in mind two principles: first, that whatever you focus on expands; and that the only person you can ever really change is yourself—other people are ultimately responsible for their own transformation. Nevertheless, when you give creative, spiritual energy to a situation, you cause real, observable shifts to occur. And by changing yourself or your attitude about something, you set in motion a chain of events leading to still more shifts, in yourself, in others, and in the universe itself. To begin the process of re-visioning, think long and deeply about what distinguishes a joyous, transforming partnership from a less satisfactory one. What, to you, would be the essential characteristics of a truly fulfilling relationship? How would you be able to recognize it if you encountered it? How would the partners treat each other? How does each one feel about himself or herself? How do they share power in the relationship? In what ways do they meet each other’s needs? In what ways is each partner responsible for attending to his or her own needs? What do the partners give to and receive from each other? Do they express their feelings to one another? If so, how, and what is the result? When problems arise, how do they resolve them? Do the partners feel as though there is a purpose for their relationship? What might it be? We’ll discuss possible answers to these and other questions in the next newsletter, but for now, enjoy the re-visioning process. Be scrupulously honest with yourself as you meditate upon the questions, but have fun with them, too. And remember that even though your relationship will never be perfect, it can be the most wonderful thing in your life!
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Debra Munn |
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Copyright 2005 coupleconnect
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