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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ “Treat ‘Em Mean, Keep ‘Em Keen?” Welcome to the new FREE coupleconnect newsletter for those who want to enhance and enrich their relationships. The author, Debra Munn, is a writer on relationship issues and the creator of coupleconnect, a deck of 55 cards with questions to inspire better, more meaningful communication between partners. In 1995, Debra, a native Texan, moved to the UK following the end of her 16-year marriage. In 1996 she met her partner, Mick Henry, and in 1999 they were married. The newsletter is intended to offer tips, support, encouragement, and things to think about as couples experience what can be life’s most rewarding adventure—their relationship with each other! Please contact Debra with your comments, questions, or suggestions at Debra@coupleconnect.com ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ TREAT ‘EM MEAN, KEEP ‘EM KEEN? Please copy and distribute the coupleconnect newsletter to all your friends and colleagues interested in enhancing their relationships! Just make sure that you make no changes, additions, or deletions, including the contact information. One of the most popular bits of relationship advice going the rounds at the moment, at least here in the UK, is “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen.” In other words, if you want your lover to stay attracted to you, to remain interested and in love with you, what you should do is to act distant, uncooperative—maybe even downright abusive. And people wonder why the divorce rate is so high! Because even if this advice worked (and for the sadomasochists among us, it just might, for a little while, at least) ask yourself this: “Is this the kind of relationship I really want? Is this the kind of joyful, life-enhancing partnership I dream of having?” If you’re still not convinced that “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” is such bad advice, just stop to think how you would feel as the recipient of this love philosophy. What if your partner treated YOU this way? Do you really think you would still be so “keen” to remain in relationship with him or her, or would you actually be driven far, far away, toward someone who knew how to treat you more considerately? And if you realize that you are indeed being “treated mean” by your partner, yet you still stick around, don’t you honestly hope for something better? You need to love yourself enough, deep down inside, so that you won’t put up with this behavior anymore, and realize that you deserve better. No matter how misguided this “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” philosophy may be, it resonates with a lot of people, and it’s important to understand why. In fact, probably just about all of us in relationships have acted at one time or another as if we believed this to be good advice. If we’ve been treated badly by our partner, we might want revenge: “You hurt me, so I’ll hurt you right back! That will show you that I don’t need you, either!” Or perhaps we’ve been hurt at a time when we were most open and vulnerable, maybe even by a previous partner, and to make sure that that doesn’t happen again, we close down emotionally and adopt a kind of “first strike“ policy against our current lover. We reason to ourselves, “I’ll be distant, mysterious, maybe even abusive—I’ll keep you guessing about my real feelings for you. I’ll never let you realize how important you are to me. By keeping you always on edge, by keeping you always in fear that I might end the relationship at any moment if you don’t do what I want, I can keep you focused on making me happy and trying hard to meet my needs.” If we look just a little deeper, however, we see the real terror at the heart of this belief. For it’s the fear of being vulnerable, of allowing our partner to come too close to us emotionally, that is behind this “treat ‘em mean” philosophy. What it really indicates is massive insecurity: “I’m afraid to show you my gentle, loving side, because you might then know how much you mean to me, and you might take advantage of that. Or you might decide you don’t like what you see. Then you’ll leave me and I’ll feel ridiculous and all alone. To make sure that these bad things don’t happen, I’ll make sure always to have the upper hand, to make you afraid that I’ll leave if you don’t do what I want. I might even lower your self-esteem by convincing you that no one else would want you, so then you won’t go running after anyone else, and you’ll HAVE to stay with me.” Except that all too often, the partner who is “treated mean” gets fed up and really does leave, activating all the fears of his or her controlling lover. Still think that “treat ‘em mean, keep ‘em keen” makes sense? If you do, don’t expect a particularly long or happy relationship. In the words of that old song, why not “Try a Little Tenderness” instead?
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Debra Munn |
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Copyright 2005 coupleconnect
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